“With proper training, certain sex positions that were previously difficult become possible and enjoyable,” says Rachel Sommer, PhD.
However, you might pick up that someone is aromantic if they mention they are “unable to feel romantically attracted or even nurture a romantic connection,” says Rachel Sommer, PhD.
Before buying one, there are a few things you should consider, says Rachel Sommer, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist. The first thing: its price. Most lipstick vibes cost between $10 and $50. But if you’re choosing something more expensive, like in the $100 range, Sommer says to keep in mind that you can probably get a more powerful rabbit vibe for the same price.
To others like clinical sexologist,Rachel Sommer, PhD, your partner choosing to remain silent about a matter upsetting them could be an act of stonewalling you.
Stonewalling refers to the refusal to communicate or discuss feelings with a partner. Sommer goes further to add that “partners who intentionally shut down and refuse to communicate can make the relationship a living hell.”
“Studies have found that when your partner plays with your nipples, the sensations travel to the same department in your brain that transmits the nerve signals from stimulating your genitals,” says Rachel Sommer, clinical sexologist. “The brain releases the neurotransmitter oxytocin, known as the ‘cuddle hormone.’” You can stimulate your nipples with just your hands, she says, or add in toys like nipple clamps or pumps to experiment with new sensations.
There are many different ways to masturbate, and again, none are right or wrong. If you’re having trouble figuring out how to make yourself cum, go back to the beginning and start by exploring your body. As clinical sexologist Rachel Sommer, Ph.D., tells Bustle, masturbation should never be a “snappy, to-the-point” exercise.
“Instead of descending on your clitoris and vagina all at once, make self-pleasure a full-body experience,” Sommer says. “Explore other erogenous areas in your body, including the neck, shoulders, thighs, breasts, and stomach.”
Take your time with it, and don’t put any kind of pressure on yourself. According to Sommer, exploring your body will help you elongate your pleasure, and build up to more intense sensations.
Dubbed the world’s first rimming plug, this anal sex toy is a favorite of Rachel Sommer, Ph.D., a clinical sexologist. “It contains rotating beads at the neck, successfully mimicking the feeling of getting your butt licked. This USB rechargeable plug boasts seven modes for the rotating beads and six rotation and vibration intensities, allowing you to regulate the sensations,” she says. “Another outstanding feature is the splashproof factor, which allows you to enjoy the plug in the shower.”
“Experiment with different angles, and make the most of the experience,” clinical sexologist Rachel Sommer, PhD, suggests. “Try different speed settings until you get the rhythm that works for you.”
If you don’t want to bring a toy into the shower, Dr. Sommer suggests using the shower head on your clitoris, vulva, or erogenous zones instead. If you don’t have a hand-held shower head, you can use this Waterslyde product to experience similar sensations — just note it’s better suited for a bath than shower. Or, of course, you can go product-free and just use your hands, clench or rub your thighs together, or do whatever you usually do to get off solo.
Simply do whatever feels most comfortable for you, adjusting as you need to in order to stay safe in the slippery, sometimes cramped space of your shower. You can try standing up, sitting down on the shower floor, or running a bath and lying down in it instead. Dr. Sommer recommends starting on your back: “Simply lie on your back, and reach down there.”
For the more adventurous, Dr. Sommer suggests getting into the classic lotus yoga position (feet together, knees in a butterfly stance). “Not only is the clitoris more accessible from this position, but your pelvic muscles are engaged, and you can clench them down for intensified orgasms,” she says.
For most vulva owners, clitoral stimulation is what gets the orgasms flowing—only about 20 percent of people with vulvas orgasm through penetration alone, says Rachel Sommer, PhD, clinical sexologist. “There are 15,000 sensitive nerve endings in the clit, making it a pleasure hotspot,” she tells SELF. Whether it’s your first time toying (wink) with masturbation, or you’re looking to introduce clit vibrators into your partner play, there are no shortage of styles to help you reach peak pleasure.
“A fetish can be defined as a strong desired taste and liking for a particular object or action leading to sexual gratification,” says Rachel Sommer, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist. Is it possible Jason Momoa is my fetish?
Foot play (or podophilia, as it’s technically called), is “a unique form of sexual arousal where the feet, legs, stocking, or socks are the motivating aspect,” says Dr. Sommer. In other words, it’s when a person finds feet sexy. Foot play can involve licking, caressing, rubbing, sucking, or penetration.
Fetishes shouldn’t be shameful. In fact, leaning into them can make you feel good — like, really good.“Exploring fetishes with your partner can release your sexual energy and satisfy your favorite form of intimacy,” Dr. Sommer says.
Rachel Sommer, also a clinical sexologist, also recommends picking a mattress that relieves pressure points for different sex positions. “Avoid the overly sinking models, and instead, go for mattresses that balance firm and squishy.”
What is a G-spot orgasm and how do we get one? Let’s dive into it. Scary Mommy talked with Rachel Sommer, Ph.D., clinical sexologist.
Sommer tells us that the G-spot lies on the anterior wall of the vagina, five to eight centimeters away from the vaginal opening. To best stimulate it, she suggests exploring with self play first. “I recommend going for a curved sex toy designed for G-spot stimulation,” says Sommer. This is because unlike a regular sex toy, something that is curved will have “a pointed head and curved shaft, making it easier to access the area toward your belly button,” which is where you want to be when it comes to a G-spot orgasm.
If you are with a partner and want to give this kind of orgasm a fair chance, you need to be in the position to do that (ahem). Sommer suggests that positions like cowgirl, doggy style, and closed missionary style make it easiest to massage your G-spot.
If you have tried to have a G-spot orgasm with no luck, Sommer says not to give up. “In my years of practice, I’ve worked with people who’re frustrated by their inability to find the G-spot or the belief that they don’t have one. However, the truth is, anyone with a vagina can have one.”
Keep in mind the way you get there might be difficult, but that doesn’t mean you can’t do it. “It’s easier for some people than others to locate their G-spot and that’s okay,” says Sommer.
And once you find the secret recipe you will have a new hobby, since, according to Sommer, “Most vagina owners describe clitoral orgasms as a series of focused, intense pulses, most women define G-spot orgasms as deep, slow, and full-bodied pulsations.”
“My observation is that most people find the other love languages ‘easier’ to execute,” says clinical sexologist Rachel Sommer, PhD. “However, when it comes to picking up responsibility and helping your loved one with chores and other tasks, most people fail terribly.” So, as soon as the person who values this love language spots you slacking, they might cut things off before they’ve even got a chance to develop.
Clinical sexologist Rachel Sommer, Ph.D., suggests choosing a central theme and planning a day or night around it. “Whether it’s your partner’s favorite movie, country, or a specific restaurant you’re fond of — pick one and go all out.” The key is in the details, although you don’t have to spend a lot of money. End the night by challenging each other to a trivia contest about the theme to finally settle who’s the ultimate fan.
Maybe it’s babe, bae, honey. Maybe it’s schmoopy, gigglepoo or hambone. Whatever the case may be, nicknames express affection, reinforce love, and promote satisfaction, notes clinical sexologist Rachel Sommer, PhD.
Now, there can be a fine line between playful banter and critical teasing, and oftentimes that line depends not only on your partner’s personality but also their current mood. But when done correctly, poking fun at each other helps keep things light and relieves tension. “You can use it during a conflict to deescalate the situation and remind yourselves that you still love each other,” Sommer says. Just remember: You need to both give and take teasing.
“Phubbed people feel excluded, unimportant, and ostracized, as sustained exclusion can lead to individuals questioning their self-esteem and sense of belonging, ultimately messing with their mental state, says Rachel Sommer, Ph.D., a clinical sexologist. When you make your partner a priority over your smartphone, they feel important, which can boost their self-esteem.
“Everything from condoms to a majority of the sex toys is made from non-biodegradable rubber and plastic, and a majority of them also require batteries, fuelling the carbon pile that harms the environment,” says Rachel Sommer, Ph.D., clinical sexologist. “Don’t get me wrong; sex is fantastic. It reduces stress, improves your memory, and boosts your immune system. So, why not add a little green to it?”
Rachel Sommer, Ph.D., clinical sexologist, says it’s common for people to feel this way when it comes to dirty talk. “Some people like it, and others hate it,” she says. “For most people, it comes from their upbringing where they were told what bad words were and why they shouldn’t be tolerated. People are skeptical about change.”
And that’s too bad, because dirty talk can enhance your sexual relationship. “The beauty of dirty talk is that it opens the curtain for you to learn more about your partner’s likes and dislikes,” Sommer says. “Think about it this way: You must have an honest conversation to discuss the boundaries and set rules to govern your newfound kink. Both partners detail what they are and aren’t comfortable with. In doing so, you can learn more about each other’s fantasies, ultimately incorporating them during sex for an even more enjoyable experience.”
Sommer says it’s helpful to think of dirty talk as a form of foreplay. “Even if you’ll eventually touch each other physically, a 20-minute dirty talking session can get your engines warm well before you’re up for the action.”
Rachel Sommer, PhD, a clinical sexologist, advises starting by expressing your desire to spice things up. Invite your partner to share some new things they’d like to try, and when it’s your turn, you can propose watching something potentially arousing.